I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
