Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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