All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
