From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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