so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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