i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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