Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
