im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
