hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize