i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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