I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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