I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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