Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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