I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
