Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
