you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You can't special order awesome
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That accounts for only three of the penises
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
