Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
