I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
