I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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