SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
