Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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