and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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