and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
