i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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