I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
