1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
