i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So squirting runs in the family.
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Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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