im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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