I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism