I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
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he fucked my hip out of place.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
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define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree