and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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