You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
