Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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