Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
