just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
