she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
