If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
