Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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