I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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