mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
