I CAN MOONWALK!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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