I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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