She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
