I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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