i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
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in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
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I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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