i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
