It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
