Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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