Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
