I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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