Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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