Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
