I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
