FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Holy sore nipples Batman
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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