the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
