capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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