gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
