I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
