Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
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I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
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You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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