the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
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Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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