I haven't been this sober since birth.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
