how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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